Here’s how crazy I am: I felt nauseated and was almost certain I was seeing spots … before I took the Clomid. I’ve been so nervous about side effects, I started imagining them well before I took the first pill.
I’ve been feeling a little depressed lately about how much of this whole infertility struggle is on me.
Don’t get me wrong: my husband is supportive and as involved as he can be. Plus, you know, there’s the whole having to masturbate outside the privacy of his own home thing, which I imagine most men are carefully taught not to do, starting at a very young age.
But still, all of the medical risk and most of the aggravation are on my side. I realized that right at the start, of course, because I’d been trying to get pregnant for years, which naturally involves a lot of thinking that one might be pregnant, and scanning the ol’ body for signs of same. (And the signs are all gross: swelling, nausea, nipple changes, etc.)
But it really struck me how unfair all this is when we sat down with our reproductive endocrinologist to make a plan.
I have eggs. Maybe even good ones. This is big news.
The hormone panels were a little inconclusive. My AMH levels were good … so good that my doctor was suspicious, especially when my FSH levels showed possibly diminished ovarian reserve.
The transvaginal ultrasound, which is like a regular ultrasound, only from the inside out, using a sort of robot dildo to take the pictures, showed healthy ovaries and several follicles, however, which means that we can’t count out the ol’ egg basket yet.
To be fair, no one has said this to me in so many words. But I suspect that’s because they’re too busy telling me that I’ll change my mind about IVF.
Yesterday, I told you about how my gynecologist brought up adoption during my annual appointment. I didn’t tell you, because my rant was already far too long and involved, that she spend even more time telling me that I should get IVF.
See, it turns out, she had IVF. I found out, because when I gave her the update on our fertility testing and treatment plans, I included my usual caveat: “We’re willing to do anything up to IVF, but we don’t want to do that.”